We Interrupt This Warm, Post-BlogHer Glow For a Rant…

Dear Witch-that-lives-down-the-street,

You really pissed me off a few minutes ago. There I was, innocently walking my rambunctious little dog-child down the street and on the home stretch when she, having to poo, veered into the front corner of your yard next to your driveway by a mere three inches.

As she got into poo-position and started to do her business–for the second time on this particular walk–you appeared at your screened window and shouted at me, “Hey, could you not do that?”

First of all, *I* wasn’t doing anything. But whatev.

I replied to you, “I’m sorry, she had to go, and I already used the bag I had with me. I live across the street and about six doors down; I’ll literally be back in two minutes to clean this up.”

Instead of appreciating what I was saying and backing down off of your high horse, you continued:
“I just don’t want that on my lawn. It leaves a smell and attracts other animals.”

You picked the wrong day to mess with me. I just came back from one of the most fun weekends EVER, am doing all I can to rehydrate my body, have a list of a million things to do, and on top of all of that, I was sweating like a pig.

I held up my end of the black retractable leash, showing you the attached carabiner which normally holds bags for just this reason, and said, “I realize that you don’t want it on your lawn. I don’t know what you want me to do: she already started going. I am not kidding, I WILL be back to clean this up.” Would you have had me pick up my dog, mid-poop? That’s disgusting. (By this time, my dog was finished and wagging her tail, ready to move on.)

Just as an aside here, I’m not sure if you know anything about how the body works, but physical activity–in dogs AND humans–does indeed get the system moving, if you know what I mean.

I walked the dog home quickly, grabbed a bag, and headed back your way, where I noticed that you were walking towards the poo spot in question, talking on the cell phone to God-knows-who, and leaning down to inspect it closely.

As I approached, you said to me, “I hope you’re not offended.” WTF? OF COURSE I was offended. You don’t know me. And your approach was horrible.

I responded, “You know, not everybody who walks their dog is a jerk. I would have come back even if you hadn’t yelled at me out of your window.”

And then you went on and on about the smell and the other animals, yada yada yada. I get it. I Get It. I GET IT!

And then you ventured into the ridiculous. You told me that you have five dogs and they have never, EVER pooped in a yard when you walk them, EVER. That they always poop in your backyard. Always. (and then adding, “except for one time.” Riiiight.) And that they stay on the sidewalk at all times, never setting foot in anyone’s yard.

You are a lying McLiar. I refuse to believe it. But whatever makes you feel better.

I cleaned up every bit of poo and said (because I am truly a nice person, and you would have seen that side of me initially if you had approached me differently), “Well, in the future when I walk her in front of your house I will make sure that she doesn’t set one little paw in your yard.”

And then you thanked me, telling me that you appreciate that.

You suck poo.



  • Draft Queen

    My dad had a neighbor like that.

    Really, she was mostly just an airhead. And her airhead comments and non-concerns were annoying and sometimes infuriating.

    You're a better woman than I. At that point, I would've left the poo.

  • Colleen - Mommy Always Wins

    After this weekend, I know how truly nice you are in person. That being said, I hope you break that mold just this once and TRAIN YOUR DOG TO POO ON HER LAWN EVERY TIME.

    Cuz she deserves it! (Not that you wouldn't go back and clean it up of course…)

  • Mr. Man

    You handled it very well, I think. Dogs will be dogs. It isn't like you were taking a poopie in her yard.
    "She sucks poo". How appropriate. LMBO!

  • sandra

    She sucks, but I've been there, and not everyone is as nice as you. Not everyone would come back and would it have been me, I wouldn't have believed you. But, I also wouldn't have yelled out my window either.
    I wish at least one of my neighbors were like you. There's a guy on my block that walks across the street from CVS (there's new big empty space of grass area), a block away from his house, to let his dog do his business. Never have I seen him with a baggie. I walked by there and nope, he's never picked anything up-it's all there.
    Big props to you, waaay nicer than I would've been.

  • Tom

    There are so many, many one-liners I can think of right this instant. But I will say this: You handled it well, and her attitude smells worse than anything that might be left on her lawn.

  • Meeko Fabulous

    Oh my gosh, just stumbled on your blog from "La Rubia Habla" and I totally enjoyed this post. I like to consider myself one of the few courteous dog owners who does in fact pick up my babies' poo. I would like to stop by this ladies house and have my boxer leave a horse-sized turd in her yard. Better yet, I'll bag some of the ones kicking it in my backyard right now and sprinkle them throughout her yard. What now?! Hope you don't mind if I follow your blog. 🙂

  • Sue

    Do you want me to bring a few horses over and see what they can come up with to leave in her yard under the cover of darkness?

  • Anonymous

    From Dawn: You're kidding, right? It's almost as if her life revolves around watching for stray poopers in the neighborhood.

    Which reminds me…the ONE time Scott and I took both dogs for a walk in our neighborhood (many years ago), we were cruising along and someone stopped us to compliment us on how pretty they are/were. Just then, Dutch decides to start choking from pulling on his leash and Duke throws up right on the sidewalk. Lovely! We were mortified, so we slunk through the cornfields on the way home because we knew our doggies shouldn't be out in public. EVER. LOL

  • The Microblogologist

    Most of the dog owners I have encountered do NOT pick up after their animals and therefore piss me off. It is disgusting and I despise them and don't think they should be allowed to own dogs. I get really mad when they leave it around here because it is mainly family housing and kids could come into contact with it and dogs carry several opportunistic pathogens. And then there was our jerk neighbor who let his dog go not on the edge of our yard but let it go all the way into my flower bed right in front of our windows!

    People who are responsible like you are get treated like you were because of them and from what I have observed they are unfortunately in the majority. I am glad that you are one of the law abiding good people and wish there were a lot more like you! Were I in her position I would not have said anything unless it was happening a lot and you didn't clean it, obviously not the case. Given all the dogs she allegedly has why in the world does she have such a stick up her butt??? If she were trying to report you I am glad you got back there and had it cleaned up before she finished!

  • Melissa

    Holy crap, literally. I could understand if her issue was kids playing in the front yard but attracting other animals? Get real.

    I think a flaming bag of dog poop on her doorstep would be a great way to remedy the situation…aren't you glad I'm not your neighbor? 🙂

  • The Microblogologist

    I would LOVE to be your neighbor! The people who live right next door to my parents are nice and if they see Willa sneak into our yard (often to play with Niecey) they come over and clean it and so we have never had an issue with them. The ones on the other side can be a problem but they usually keep theirs in a fenced area because they can be mean (not sure if it is lack of training or worse, by training).

    I would so light the bag for you, lol!

  • Mrs4444

    I love you, and I love how you handled this, but in her defense, my dog loves to poop (and especially pee) in the same spot where other neighborhood dogs do their business, so I get that she's afraid it's going to start a trend. Maybe she should put up a little fence (or hang a supply of bags on her mailbox.) Dogsh-t or bullsh-t…either way, it stinks. haha

  • terri

    That *itch is a liar. Her dogs don't poo in others' yards because she's too damn lazy to walk her dogs. THAT'S why they only poo in her yard!

    (Sorry for almost swearing in your comments. I'm not being nice today.)

  • Melisa with one S

    Ugh, I am getting so bad about responding to these. A couple of them I did via e-mail; let's see…

    Draft Queen: Yeah, leaving the poo would have been great but I really couldn't do that. Except in my mind.

    Colleen: Again, in my mind I will totally do that. 🙂

    Mr. Man: You're right. She should've been happy that *I* wasn't pooping in her yard! Blah.

    Sandra AND Mrs4444: I know. (I e-mailed this to Mrs4444) For me it wasn't the message (I got what she was saying and realize that LOTS of people don't clean up after their animals), but rather the delivery. The way I see it, there are several ways that she could have handled it better, and nicer, and she chose the wrong way.

    Tom & Iamthediva: Thank you! 🙂

    Meeko: Thanks for stopping by! Follow away! I'm always glad for new visitors. 🙂

    Sue: YES, I do!

    Dawn: Yeah, I find that dogs don't have a good sense of timing. haha

    Cheffie-Mom: Thanks for coming by! Come and see me again sometime!

    Microblogologist: I know, I'm in the minority. It stinks (haha) that so many others have ruined things for the rest of us.

    Melissa: Flaming bag of poo…haha! (maybe not though)

    Terri: I was thinking the same thing! 🙂 (all of it. even the swearing.)

  • WeaselMomma

    What a Bitch. I leave it up to you whether I am talking about the dog or not. Take note though, you did not have any of these problems when you took me for a walk. I didn't walk on any lawns or leave scents for other bloggers.

  • surprised mom

    You ARE a nice person! I would have left the poo on the lawn after that screaming meme took me to task out her window. And then I would make it a point to have my dog poop on her lawn every chance I got. I have a dog and always clean up his messes when I walk him. But what am I going to do, forbid him to poo when we're walking? I think NOT.
    Sorry this "neighbor" had to infiltrate your post-blogher haze of delight.

  • Jason

    ugh, I have a fenced yard so that I don't have to walk my dog and deal with idiots.

    Our neighbors down the street however just open the front door and let their dog runa and do his business wherever he pleases. I've shooed him out of my yard more than once. At least you were being responsible about it.

  • Wineplz

    I'm with C-squared, train the pup to poop on her lawn specifically. Or better yet, run with her their when she has the runs. Only then can she complain about the smell.

    On a related note, the other day while at a friend's house, my two year old picked up the one lone pile of poop in the backyard with his hands. Feel free to hire him for your dog walks in the event of a second-poop.

  • Wineplz

    and feel free to send me a grammar book since I used "their" instead of "there". I may still be hungover.

  • The Devoted Dad

    Seriously, how rude of her! You should have told her (don't we always think of these after the fact) that next time you will cross your dogs back legs and wheelbarrow walk your dog across her yard just in case she has to go. Isn't it funny how she is fine with making such a great lasting impression with you. I'm with you in this Melisa. Jason

  • Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy

    I'm thinking it's time for the ol' dog poop in a flaming paper bag trick…just sayin'.