How I Got My Hands On Some Schweddy Balls: A True Story

Ever since the news came out that Ben & Jerry’s was producing Schweddy Balls (inspired by this, one of the best SNL skits ever), I knew I had to find it locally. But where to find Schweddy Balls in the Chicago area? I was stumped for a while, because our grocery stores (and drug stores, and convenience stores…yes, I’ve been checking!) haven’t started stocking it yet.

Finally, duh: I decided to do a web search to see if we have any Ben & Jerry’s locations in my area. I already knew that there is a location downtown at Navy Pier, but was hoping I’d find one in the western suburbs.

As it turns out, there are six total Ben & Jerry’s shops in the Chicago area, including one in St. Charles, at the Pheasant Run Resort. This location is only fifteen minutes away from my house, and I was getting my hopes up a bit when I made a fact-finding call. This is the one hundred percent true story of how I got my hands on some Schweddy Balls.

Yesterday I called the Pheasant Run shop and a guy answered. “Ben & Jerry’s…how can I help you?”

“Hi,” I said. “I have a question. Do you have Schweddy Balls?”

“Yes,” he replied.

“Great!” I exclaimed excitedly. “I’ll be there when you open tomorrow!”

I was totally psyched, because this is my sister’s birthday weekend and I knew that she would absolutely LOVE to try some Schweddy Balls in honor of the occasion. Today I rushed over there, hoping that nobody had gotten their hands on the Schweddy Balls before I did. Thankfully, there was a huge supply of Schweddy Balls. The worrying had been unnecessary.

I said to the girl behind the counter, “Do you have Schweddy Balls, all ready for me to take home?”

“No,” she said, “I’ll have to hand pack it.” She looked at the container in the freezer and said, “And this is gonna be interesting: it might take me a while because it’s so hard.”

I smiled, not feeling bad for her because frankly, she’s the one who chose that job.

I ordered two pints of it, and she said, “It’s really good, but have you tried Schweddy Balls yet?”

I shook my head and she asked if I’d like to have a sample. I said that I definitely would, and she grabbed a plastic spoon. She dug into the ice cream, and was indeed having difficulty because of its hardness, and as I watched her do her best to dig in, I said, “That’s enough, really.”

“No, you really need two balls,” she said.

“One is fine,” I said.

“No, you really need two balls, to get the total enjoyment. The bigger ball is a rum ball, and the smaller one is a Whopper. They taste SO GOOD.”

She was right. When I put the Schweddy Balls in my mouth, I couldn’t believe how good it tasted. I smiled and said, “Wow!”

In the end, I decided that J probably wouldn’t like Schweddy Balls, so I got a pint of Cherry Garcia too.

I can’t wait until after dinner tonight, when I present my sister with Schweddy Balls, Hand Packed especially for her!


Note: I considered handling this story a little more delicately, but then I realized that I didn’t need to: YOU’RE (probably) the one with your mind in the gutter. *snicker*