Another Brilliant Idea That Definitely Won’t Happen

You may remember my ranting about my elaborate plan to renovate the music system at our neighborhood pool back in June. My fantasy blueprint included a jukebox, volume control, a seniority system for music-playing prioritization, underwater speakers, and more. It was one of the most imaginatively complex ideas I’ve ever had that will definitely never see the light of day.

Well, I have another one. Try this on for size: a national chain of grocery stores that caters to single people and couples from all walks of life, including people who live in small apartments in Manhattan. I’m not only talking about the people who don’t shop at huge warehouse clubs because there is no need and no space for that much stuff; I’m also talking about people who have to buy a whole bag of hamburger buns even if they’re only eating two hamburgers that night for dinner and another one or two later that week for leftovers.

THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

I mean, this is a real-life dilemma in our house. It would be absolutely wonderful if I could buy a bag of four hamburger buns, to be honest. I feel slightly reminiscent of Steve Martin’s character in “Father of the Bride” when he was ranting about the quantity of hot dog buns in the bag. Although his issue was that there were twelve buns in the bag when hot dogs come in packages of eight, he still had a very valid argument.

via GIPHY

I mean, what am I supposed to do with the four buns for which I have no matching burgers? Freeze them? No way! First of all, buns tend to get freezer burn fairly easily. Second, our freezer (pictured at the top) is small and space is at a premium. Do I want to take up some of that valuable space with $1.50 worth of buns that I may not use for another month or two, if they are found to be without freezer burn? No, I don’t.

But I also don’t want to waste them.

It’s a little funny thinking about how, when we had two teen boys at home and had a chest freezer in the basement so we could keep lots of food on hand, we were still going to the grocery store all the time. We really didn’t NEED the freezer then. Now that we could definitely use a chest freezer to store half-used bags of buns and half-used other types of food, I don’t have the space for the freezer–we no longer have a basement and we enjoy keeping both cars in the garage–or, honestly, the desire to keep all of that extra food on hand.

So you can see why my national chain idea, tentatively called “Halvsies™,” would work really well. We smaller household types could go there and purchase that 4-pack of buns and other appropriately-sized items like bags of potato chips that are bigger than the ones you get in a vending machine and smaller than full-sized, cupcake duos instead of six-packs, half-loaves of bread, smaller bunches of fresh herbs like parsley, 1-liter bottles of soda (bring back the 1-liter!), smaller bottles of salad dressing and fruit juices…you get the idea.

I mean let’s start at the top, with Amazon. I think we can agree for the most part that the “scan and go” stores they’re building aren’t really all that helpful. Maybe they’d be willing to ditch those and work on my idea instead. Anyway, I’m up for a meeting if any of you have a contact there.

I’ll assume you don’t, though, and store this one away in my head right next door to my neighborhood pool idea.

Wait a second. What about a grocery store next to my neighborhood pool? Hmmmm. Let’s think about that!

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